When someone turns down something that matters to you, it's easy to make up a reason for it, and then you end up reacting to that made-up reason instead of to what they actually said. Say you ask a friend to join you on a weekend morning walk, and they shrug and say, "Good for you. I'm sleeping in." You may think, "They don't care about spending time with me," and you might then make a snide remark to your friend instead of being understanding. You can learn how to stop assuming the worst by taking a moment before you speak, holding back your assumptions and asking them what's behind their no. The sections below show you what to ask and how to ask it in a way that helps them open up.
What to do when someone says no
After someone says no, you may be taking one of two paths. One is to make assumptions about why they said no, and the other is to get curious and ask questions.
You already know your friend well, so you may quickly assume you know the reason and feel certain about it. The trouble is that the reason you are telling yourself may come from your own hurt, and you have no way to know if that’s what your friend is actually thinking.
If you get curious instead, you hold off on deciding what their "no" means and ask first, which takes a little longer than assuming. Behind a short answer like "I'm sleeping in," there may be something you aren't aware of yet. It could be a feeling like exhaustion from a long week, a belief that weekends are their only time to rest, or what weekend mornings have come to mean to them, such as a habit they've had for years that feels like their own small reset. A short answer won't tell you any of that, so it’s better to ask your friend to find out.
How to ask questions that help you understand a no
Instead of making assumptions, you can ask open-ended questions to get more information than a short yes or no answer would give you. An open-ended question is one your friend can't answer with a simple yes or no, so it invites them to explain, describe or think out loud, and in the walk example you might try a few questions like these.
- "What are you thinking about?"
- "How do you want to spend your weekend morning?"
- "What would make this weekend feel restful for you?"
Once you've heard their answers, you can add a softer, more collaborative thought, like "I wonder if there's a way you and I could get some of that same feeling together," which keeps your own wish in the conversation without pushing theirs aside.
When you ask sincere questions, you also lower the tension, since it's hard to argue with someone who is asking you about yourself. As long as you keep asking, you and your friend stay in a conversation instead of a debate about who is right.
The tone you use can change how your friend hears your question
You can ask the same question in very different ways, because "How do you want to spend your weekend morning?" asked in a soft, interested voice sounds like an invitation, while the same words asked with a sigh or a raised eyebrow may sound like a challenge.
Before you ask, it helps to check what you're feeling, and if you're still stinging from the no, you may want to take a breath first so you don't sound irritated when you ask. When you use a softer tone, your friend can tell you want to understand them, and that makes it easier for them to tell you something honest.
When you ask good questions in a gentle tone, you and your friend can move toward an agreement, and that agreement may look different from your original plan. Perhaps your friend sleeps in and joins you for a late coffee after your walk, or perhaps the two of you try an afternoon walk instead, and either way you've moved past the first no to something that feels good to both of you.
Questions to ask yourself when someone says no
As you learn what a habit or a no means to someone, you may feel more empathy for them, and that can make it easier for the two of you to reach an agreement instead of arguing. It's harder to stay frustrated with someone once you can see why they feel the way they do.
The next time you notice yourself in a disagreement with someone, you can quietly ask yourself three questions.
- Do I understand where this person is coming from?
- Do I need to ask more questions before I respond?
- What might this mean to them that I haven't thought of yet?
If the honest answer to the first question is "not yet," you have your next step. Ask one more open-ended question, and listen before you decide what the answer means.
Common questions about assuming the worst
Q: What if I ask questions and they still say no?
A: They may still say no, and that's okay, because they get to decide what they're willing to do, and so do you. You can still go on your walk on your own, but now you'll go knowing why they said no instead of guessing at the reason.
Q: What if asking questions feels unnatural or scripted?
A: You may feel clunky the first few times, especially if you're used to responding quickly. Start with one question, like "What are you thinking?" Over time, asking before assuming may start to feel more like a habit and less like a technique.
Q: How do I know if I'm assuming the worst too often?
A: You may be assuming the worst too often if small disagreements regularly leave you feeling hurt or rejected, even when the other person seems surprised by your reaction. If that pattern keeps showing up, a therapist may help you catch the assumptions as they form.
If you find assumptions, worry or tension getting between you and the people you love, our team can help. Lotus Consulting works with individual adults on anxiety and stress, including the ways it can affect how you connect with the people in your life. Our clinicians work in several different ways, and we'll talk with you about what fits. Schedule a consultation to get started.
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.
