After a mistake or a hard day, your mind may start asking questions. “Why did I say that?” “Why am I like this?” “Why can’t I just get it together?” These questions may feel like a way to understand what went wrong, and you may go over them again and again, hoping for an answer. Often, though, it may be hard to find a clear answer to questions like these, so you keep asking them and end up feeling worse than when you started.
You can start to break this cycle.
While ruminating may seem useful, repeatedly going over our problems, feelings or mistakes typically doesn’t move the needle. In practice, rumination tends to keep circling the same painful thoughts.
Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema spent much of her career studying rumination, and her research found it to be one of the strongest thinking-related risk factors for depression. She paid special attention to a form of rumination called brooding, which centers on questions like “Why do I always react this way?” People who tend to brood may be more likely to develop depression, and their low moods may last longer.
Why “why” questions may keep you stuck
Researcher Edward Watkins and his colleagues have studied two different ways of thinking about a problem. The first is an abstract, evaluative style that asks what a problem means and what it says about us. The second is a concrete style that focuses on the specifics of what happened and how it unfolded. Their research suggests that the abstract style drives much of the harm of rumination, while the concrete style tends to help people solve problems and recover from setbacks.
Vague, self-judging “why” questions pull us toward the abstract style. A question like “Why am I so bad at this?” asks what a mistake says about us as a person, and it has no clear answer we can act on. Our mind keeps searching, and instead of pointing us toward a fix, the question invites us to look for flaws in ourselves. Along the way, our mind may land on a harsh conclusion, like “I always mess things up,” which may deepen low mood and make the next setback feel even heavier.
Some “why” questions are concrete and useful, though, like “Why did the meeting run late?” A question like this has an answer we can find, such as an agenda with too many items or a discussion that went off track. Once we know the cause, we can do something about it, like shortening the agenda next time. Concrete questions point us to the specific moment where things went wrong and give us something we can change.
How to ask yourself better questions
Questions that begin with “what” and “how” ask us to describe instead of judge. “What happened?” asks for the facts of a situation, and “How did it unfold?” asks for the order of events. These questions keep our attention on what happened and what we did, instead of on what the situation says about our character. When we focus on a specific action, like “I spoke too quickly in that meeting,” there’s less room for a sweeping judgment, like “I’m bad at my job.”
“What” and “how” questions also tend to point forward. A question like “How could I handle this next time?” moves our attention from what went wrong to what we can try, a step rumination tends to skip. Here are a few swaps you can try.
- Instead of “Why am I like this?” try “What happened right before I started feeling this way?”
- Instead of “Why did I say that?” try “How might I handle that conversation differently next time?”
- Instead of “Why can’t I get it together?” try “What’s one small thing I could do in the next hour?”
You can also use these questions to walk through a setback in order, as if you were describing it to someone who wasn’t there. Ask yourself where you were, who was involved and how the situation unfolded, one step at a time. Going through the details this way may help you notice the exact point where things started to go wrong, like the moment you felt rushed or misunderstood. Once you can see that point, you can think about what you might try differently, instead of getting pulled back into what the mistake says about you.
This step-by-step approach is the core of a program Watkins and his team developed called concreteness training. In early studies, people with mild to moderate depressive symptoms who practiced this style of thinking every day for a week saw their symptoms improve more than people who didn’t practice it. The research is still developing, and the approach seems to work best with support, like guidance from a therapist.
These elements are also part of What and How Skills in DBT. Similarly, we use Chain Analysis to unpack events one step at a time.
When rumination may be a sign of depression or anxiety
Everyone goes over their mistakes sometimes. When rumination takes up a lot of your day or keeps coming back, more support may help. Consider talking with a therapist if any of these sound familiar.
- You spend hours replaying the same thoughts, and they keep you up at night.
- Your mood has been low most days for two weeks or longer.
- You’ve started avoiding people or activities you used to enjoy.
- Worry or self-criticism is getting in the way of work or school.
In addition to other benefits, therapy will help you notice rumination as it starts and build new ways of responding to it. Our clinicians draw on a range of evidence-based approaches, and we’ll work with you to find a therapist whose style fits your needs.
If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text 988 or go to your nearest emergency room.
Common questions about rumination
Q: Is all self-reflection bad?
A: Self-reflection may be helpful, especially when it leads to a new insight or a plan. We distinguish between reflecting on a problem to understand it and brooding over it in a way that keeps you stuck. If thinking about a problem leaves you with a next step, it’s likely a helpful reflection. If it leaves you feeling worse each time, it may be rumination.
Q: What can I do when I’m stuck in a loop at night?
A: Rumination often gets louder at night, when there’s nothing else to focus on. Writing down a concrete version of the problem, like what happened and one thing you could try tomorrow, may help your mind let go of it for now. If the loop keeps you awake night after night, that’s a good reason to talk with a therapist.
If you find yourself stuck in the same thoughts again and again, you don’t have to work through it alone. Lotus Consulting offers individual therapy for adults with clinicians who use a range of approaches. Call us, and we’ll help you find a clinician who fits.
