Will you be spending any time with family members and friends this holiday season? Anyone who doesn’t share the same views? What is your plan for navigating differing viewpoints on topics like politics and social issues, public health, the environment? Do any of your circles hold the "No Politics/ Heated Topics Rule" at get-togethers, avoiding these discussions altogether? Do you prefer that these topics are avoided because it often doesn’t lead anywhere very productive or safe? Where do you and yours fall on the spectrum of “No Discussion - We Can Have Productive Discord”? We have just written on one aspect of effective communication with opposing views, breaking through repetitive and unproductive cycles.
Focus on the Present
Many discussions regarding hot topics such as politics are repetitive and unproductive. This often happens when participants bring past grievances into the conversation. See if you can stay in the present instead. Here are a few tips to help:
- Stay present: When discussing things, see if you can set the tone and concentrate on the most present, key issues at hand. Avoid diverting to tangents, bringing up past resentments, conflicts or even assumptions that this is exactly where this conversation will go too. Practice Beginner’s Mind as well as you can. At minimum, this will help you stay curious, grounded and open.
- Practice other mindfulness strategies: Use mindfulness tools to aid in remaining calm and centered. This can be small things like taking invisible or visible pauses to slow down and deepen your breath, feel your feet on the floor, particularly if you feel stirred up, giving yourself a small pause to calibrate and respond thoughtfully. At the end of the day, that is the only thing you can control.
- Practice active listening: It can be difficult and even extremely so - to listen when someone is saying something you do not agree with. However, if the conversation is honoring basic boundaries and is respectful, this can be an opportunity to practice true listening and hearing what the other person is saying, without jumping to conclusions or planning the next rebuttal.
Don’t Underestimate the Power of Acknowledgement
Remember that acknowledgement is a powerful tool, especially when discussing polarizing topics. We can do this without being defensive or agreeing. It doesn’t really cost anything to simply acknowledge what that other person is saying. We can hear and validate feelings and experiences without agreeing or fully understanding them. Agreement or understanding are not required to do this. Acknowledgment can also help lessen tension.
- Show Empathy: You can do this by acknowledging the emotions behind another person’s words. For instance, you can say something like, “I can tell this issue is really important to you.” That’s simple to do, right?
- Validate: Even if you don’t agree with something, you can validate someone else’s perspective. For example, you can state, “I understand that you feel strongly about this because of your experiences.”
- Respect: Demonstrate respect for others thoughts and opinions. Simple phrases like “I hear you” can go a long way. And again, you don’t have to agree. That’s not required.
Take Curiosity to Another Level
Approach political or other complex discussions with genuine curiosity - whenever possible. We often forget how disarming and connective this can be. Still, don’t go in with that specific agenda. What? Suspend agendas? Oof, that can be hard. But if you are able to do it, notice the subtle shifts within you and in the room. There is also so much to be said about co-regulation. Do you notice how people can match your tone and volume? And who knows, Not to mention, you might just learn something new about the person or issue. Keep the dialogue moving. Be curious, and keep the following in mind. Open-Ended Questions: Instead of asking questions that lead to yes or no responses, ask questions that encourage elaboration. For example, it may be helpful to ask someone to tell you more about why they feel a certain way. Try to Understand: Focus on trying to understand the reasons behind the other person’s beliefs. This can be very difficult as it’s hard to set aside our own experiences and agendas. But you never know what common ground, shared values or perspective you will stumble upon. Avoid Making Assumptions: So often we assume that we know the other person's motivations or experiences. Instead, ask them to share their story. You just might open up a path to connecting on a deeper level, even if you don’t “win the battle or war”, changing their mind. Listen to listen, ask questions to understand. That’s it.
Applying These Principles
Some of these strategies are at the heart of mindfulness, emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills as well as interpersonal effectiveness. We are happy to help you master these for any setting, be it family dynamics, work environment or other areas. You may encounter them when practicing DBT What and How Skills, DEAR MAN, GIVE or FAST. They are fairly simple strategies, mastery of which comes from accurate application and practicing them across a variety of contexts. Keep hope and curiosity alive. Although it doesn’t always seem that way, we can move from having repetitive and unproductive disagreements to meaningful conversations, breaking long standing cycles. While this is not always possible, not with everyone, progress is possible. And if others do not meet you with the same level of willingness, openness, curiosity and psychological flexibility, at least you walk away feeling confident that you walked in your values and empowered by effective skills. You also get to decide what is safe and productive. You get to decide where your boundaries are.